Worth the effort?

I have been contemplating writing this article for a few months now, but due to its sensitive nature it needed a bit more research. A few months ago it dawned on me that love is not a feeling! A few of you might know this already, but I have only just figured it out and I thought I would share my thoughts.

A while back my wife asked me why I don’t treat her the same way I did when we first met, was it because I didn’t love her anymore? Rather than give an off the cuff answer I decided to ponder it for a few days.

What happened to us happens to most couples. We met, we were attracted to each other and in order to ‘convince’ each other that we were meant to be together we sent each other loving messages, took each other out for dinner, bought each other gifts, basically we tried to make each other feel special. Once we had ‘convinced’ each other, we got married… and it all stopped! Why? Well, the ‘convincing’ was done, we had made the decision we were meant to be together so now we had to accept each other the way we ‘really’ are.

We had both fallen for the ‘Happily Ever After’ myth portrayed in books and movies. Why do I call it a myth? Because that’s exactly what it is, my apologies to all the romantics out there, but please read further. The ‘Happily Ever After’ myth, or myth of ‘Romantic Love’ tells us there is one person out there who we are destined to be with and when we meet that one person we will fall in love, get married and live happily ever after. Here are some statistics for you to ponder. At the time of writing this article there are about 6 859 341 813 people on our planet. You are one of them, and if you believe there is one other person out there you are destined to be with, you have 0,00000002916% chance of meeting them. Not odds I would bet ANYTHING on.

Another thing that led me to the discovery that love is not a feeling is our relationship with our careers and our material possessions. We often say things like, ‘I love my job.’, ‘I love my car.’ or ‘I love my house.’ And yet they can’t love us back…. So if love isn’t a feeling, then what is it? I believe it is a decision and an action. In the beginning of a relationship it is an unconscious decision, when we have all those warm fuzzy feelings we think are love, but as time goes by it needs to become a conscious decision backed by continuous actions.

When you love someone, you want what is best for that person, even if it is something not best for you. And if that person disagrees with what you think is best for them, you respect their decision. You want that person to feel special, safe and secure. You’ll do things for that person and expect nothing in return, and if you do expect something in return it is no longer love, it is bribery.
The most accurate explanation of what love is comes from the bible:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
It’s a bit of a cliché, but this verse describes what love really is, whether you choose to believe it or not.
To live with and love your partner as described in Corinthians is not easy. Us humans are selfish creatures. Just look at what we are doing to our planet for our own selfish needs. But like any other habit, it can be developed. It takes a lot of effort, but your partner is worth it, and if you don’t believe they are, take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror, because most of the time if you don’t believe someone is worth the  effort then neither are you.

I believe my wife is worth the effort so I am going to try really hard to develop the habit of loving her the way God intended, I will slip up, I am human But I will keep trying.

I really recommend watching the movie  Fireproof and then reading the book The Love Dare. The movie put a lot of things into perspective for me and the book is guiding me to becoming the husband I believe my wife deserves.

Ps. A little something for all the hard-working folk to ponder. If we put as much effort into our relationships as we do into our career, what would our relationships be like???

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